February 2003 Archives

Continuing on yesterday's update, I've found a quote and a Scripture that express what I meant to say more than anything. I read the following right before I went to sleep last night, and I thought it was positively perfect.

I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon everything that can be properly called a thing in this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyment, and all, as dead to me, and myself as dead to them. The second was, to live upon God that is invisible.

John Bunyan, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners

Exactly. What I talked about yesterday regarding the cruise is given proper light with this statement. The next comes from Paul.

...according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose.

But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.

Paul, Philippians 1:20-24

Paul struggled with something similar. On the one hand, he just wanted to die and have all that is holding him back from Christ removed. That was "very much better" to him. But on the other, he wanted to stay and see the Philippians (and indeed, the Romans and the other body of believers scattered throughout Asia Minor) established in Christ. And he said he was "hard-pressed" and did not "know which to choose."

That's it, right there. Cruise or Uganda? It sounds ridiculous. That's because it is. I think we'd both rather just die for Christ and be with Him when it comes right down to it.

I used to pray, "Lord, don't come back until I'm married" or some other such request. Now, I'm praying, "Lord, don't let me get married if it will hinder what You have planned for me. Take away my affections for it. In fact, come back today and rid me with having to choose." I think we see Paul's "realness" in those verses above. To be frank, he'd rather just die and move on to the Green Pasture. But God knows best and He is in control utterly.

Side note, I've started an inductive study of John 3. It's so nice to do this again, I've not really taken a passage apart analytically, but have been mostly synthetic in my approach lately. No commentaries, no cross-references (yet), just the Word, the Holy Spirit, a lot of prayer, a pen, some paper, and me. It's wonderful!

I just got back from seeing Gods and Generals, the prequel to Gettysburg. I left with a very profound sense of weightiness. Was it long? Yes. Were the battle sequences nearly as interesting as Gettysburg? Yeah, Chancellorsville was, but the rest was pretty repetetive.

And yet, I loved it. I really did. I searched Google for reviews for it, and everybody gave it like 1 start out of 5 or whatever, very very low ratings. I've come to the conclusion that one of the highest praises of a movie is that critics don't like it. They're all a bunch of cynical people anyway, trained to focus on the negative of everything. Blech on them. So when I see that critics give a low rating to what looks to me to be a good movie, it encourages me to look into it.

To keep it simple and brief (who'd have thought I was capable of such a thing!), I walked away with several things. First, both sides of the Civil War were right in some areas and wrong in others. Second, anyone who thinks that the Civil War was really about slavery is an ignoramous (this is a slap at the critics I read). Third, it was refreshing to see the characters' faith in God not just as a Being, but as tremendously worthy of our affection and hope.

I could go on, but I said I'd keep it brief. Off with me!

I've been reading, and have nearly finished, Piper's The Legacy of Sovereign Joy: God's Triumphant Grace in the Lives of Augustine, Luther, and Calvin. It's a book that is challenging me to meditate even more on the Scriptures, and to know them like the back of my hand, or as I would pursue to know a beautiful and precious woman. My view of Scripture, and even the lense through which I have viewed them, has changed.

I'll have to quote some from this book, and then share some awesome things I'm learning in John.

It's a story that maybe I'll post someday. But right now I'm rather tired of it all. I resigned from my position at Haddock yesterday, and I can say that I've gained a new appreciation for many things and have grown closer to the Lord through it. The first week was fantastic. The second started good, ended rather sour. The third was a struggle. The fourth week... I didn't lose my cool or let my flesh take control, but it was very difficult. I'm going back to studying and Primerica until further notice.

I gave it my best. It's too bad, because I really enjoyed what I did and I am 100% sure I made nearly all the customers I served happy. Situations with my boss got to where it was beyond my control to do anything, and it might have been that way since the beginning. Communication is an important thing to understand, but it takes two to tango and I was willing to dance. Enough said for now.

Anyway, I was greatly surprised to have a visit from my best friends, Jonathan & Jenni Carroll today! I am beyond happy. :o) Grace be with you.

I had a real hard time emotionally this morning. I came to church feeling rather dead, both physically tired and mentally spent. I just wasn't ready to sing praises to God, so I pulled out Psalm 51 (David's repentance psalm), and while the whole psalm ministered to my soul deeply, vv. 6, 8, 10-13 in particular lifted my soul from the depths of deadness.

"Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make known wisdom. Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will be converted to You."

I read and could agree entirely with David. I knew my heart and affections weren't where I was wanting them to be, nor where God wanted them, so I repented and believed that God would turn my mourning into dancing, and that He would restore to me the joy of my salvation. In faith of that, I was ready to worship. Worship isn't always the highest level of happiness; there's a level where you know you aren't where you should be, and in repentance you take the step, believing that God will be true to His word. There was a promise for me to cherish (there always is), and this one was for the callous soul.

And worship was good. I was very broken, singing much softer than I normally do. We got to the song, "Pure and Holy," whose lyrics I've mindlessly sang before. But I couldn't sing part of it, I was troubled by it.

I used to get all upset when a song wasn't as doctrinally "sound" as I thought it should be, and while that may still be the case, my spirit was troubled by the first line:

"Pure and holy I would be, worthy of Your love to me."

I couldn't sing that, not the second statement. I just... had a hard time with it. It wasn't a self-righteous, "Oh! That's terrible!" that gripped me, but a broken "What hope does that give?" I couldn't put my finger on it exactly, I was just bothered by that statement, "Worthy of Your love to me."

The author of the song realizes he's not worthy, and desires to be pure and holy so that he could be, while his heart is near to God and all that. I understand the intention, I'm troubled by the verbage and what it implies. During the sermon, Mark (my pastor) was talking about the Lord's supper (we're in I Corinthians 12 right now), and talked about taking it in "an unworthy manner." He told of people he knew that would never take the Lord's supper because they "were just so sinful."

Mark's point was it was the manner in which the Lord's supper was taken that was unworthy. We ought to consider ourselves unworthy. This is why we're taking the Lord's supper! He brought up a good point that the only times we should abstain from taking the Lord's supper is when you know that you have unresolved sin toward your brother, or you are unrepentant of your sin. "Let a man examine himself," says Paul. This implies that if you find sin against God in your heart, repent of it, then partake. The whole point is to bring you back into fellowship by remembering what Christ has done and will do for you.

The thought that was going through my mind will no doubt sound strange at first glance. "I'm not worthy of Your love, and I can't be worthy of Your love by being pure and holy, and indeed, I don't want to be." We are called to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, and I am completely for godliness, pure and holy living, etc., to reflect the inner change in my life that God has wrought. If there is no fruit in your life of godliness, then it's time to reexamine whether you are connected to the Vine.

Still, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just felt so strongly that I wasn't worthy of God's love, which is why I want it all the more. Not so I can keep on sinning, do not think that! May that never be! But that I am unworthy of His love and grace and can't be worthy of it is crucial to the idea of grace. You cannot and indeed dare not pay God back for grace, or even attempt to, lest you nullify it. That God has been merciful to me, the sinner (Luke 18:13), draws me to my knees and causes me to beat my breast and thank Him for His mercy, not my personal holiness.

A verse came to mind from Psalm 119, which my good friend Brian and I need to get back into memorizing. I was thinking of verses 5-6.

"Oh, that my ways may be established to keep Your statutes! Then I shall not be ashamed when I look upon all Your commandments."

David longs to be pure and holy, like the song says, so that he won't be ashamed when he considers God's law. It doesn't seem like an issue of David saying, "Oh, I wish I could keep Your statuted, then I would be worthy of Your love to me." The fact that David wasn't worthy made him love God's law all the more and desire to obey it, in order that he wouldn't be ashamed.

I did a brief word study of "worthy" when I got home, and I ran across a passage I used to skip over or read for other reasons. Today, it was flashing big lights and blaring a siren at me. Hear Luke 7:2-6:

"A centurion's slave... was sick and about to die. When he [the centurion] heard about Jesus, he sent some elders asking Him to come and save the life of his slave.

"When they came to Jesus, they earnestly implored Him saying, 'He [the centurion] is worthy for You to grant this to him; for he loves our nation and it was he who built us our synagogue.' Now Jesus started on His way with them...."

The centurion's slave is sick, so he's heard about Jesus and he sends for Him. The servants say that the centurion is worthy of Jesus' coming to him since he loved Israel and built a synagogue for them. On He goes like normal. But what happens next is what got my tears flowing.

"And when He was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends, saying to Him, 'Lord, do not trouble Yourself further, for I am not worthy for You to come under my roof; for this reason I did not even consider myself worthy of coming to You, but just say the word, and and my servant will be healed. For I am also a man placed under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to this one, "Go!" and he goes, and to another, "Come!" and he comes, and to my slave, "Do this!" and he does it.'" (vv. 6-8)

The Gentile centurion recognized Jesus' origin and authority, and as such did not even consider anything he had done as worthy of Jesus' attention. It sounds like Paul's "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." (Phil. 3:8) Everything that centurion had done or even could do could not make him worthy of Christ's mercy, and he recognized that. "Just say the word." I take that to mean, "Just have mercy on me."

And I think the significance of this is truly born out by Jesus' reaction:

"Now when Jesus heard this, He marveled at him, and turned and said to the crowd that was following Him, 'I say to you, not even in Israel have I found such great faith.'" (Luke 7:9)

Many thoughts are now coming into my mind, because it is becoming clearer why my spirit was so disturbed by those lyrics. To say "I want to be worthy of Your love and mercy" is the wrong response because it is a disguised desire to either pay or attempt to pay God back for His mercy. It is to be received freely. That's why I said that grace pays debts; it does not create them. I don't receive His grace and then reach into my wallet of works and even give Him a penny.

I'm not worthy. I cannot be and I cannot even attempt to be worthy of God's mercy. But I accept His grace, realizing full well how unworthy I am and it's Christ's worthiness that is my plea. That's why it's beautiful! And then I rejoice in it. Then I want to be holy because I want to be like Him whom I desire, not worthy of His love or somehow pay Him back for some favor He "loaned" me. His righteousness is my worthiness.

In another sense I absolutely want God to smile at the work of my hands. I want God to be pleased with me. In that way, I agree with the song. If by wanting to be "worthy of Your love to me" you mean that you want God to be glorified in your delight of Him precisely because you are not worthy and He is, then I am content with it. This is why anything, anything I do I want to do for Christ's sake, even marriage. And to hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master" (Matthew 25:21), this is a great desire of my heart.

Gosh, this is so difficult to explain in words, because the difference seems so minor on paper. Maybe the clearest way to put it is that I want to be pure and holy not so I could be worthy of His love to me, but that the purity and holiness I exhibit would be completely Him through me, and in that I would again say, "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing." (Rev. 5:12)

Even in the statements I've read speaking of people being worthy in the New Testament especially, John 3:21 backs up why they are worthy:

"But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God." (John 3:21)

So God gets all the glory. Even my obedience is His work.

"For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has become His counselor? Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen." (Romans 11:34-36)

I think that's why I struggle with such language. While I can understand part of the heart behind it, it still disturbs me. Maybe I'm just way off in this. But this morning, when I was weeping over the hardness of my heart, to sing that I wanted to be worthy by my purity and holiness turned my stomach entirely. Rather, I agreed with Toplady:

Not the labors of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone:
Thou must save and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress,
Helpless, look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly,
Wash me, Savior, or I die!