Dancing in the Rain

I was leaving Target yesterday, having purchased a watch because my beloved old Timex wristband broke, and I lost it while on the way to see my most beloved Wonder Woman. I’ll bet it’s still going, I had that thing since 1998, I think. Tragedy. So I got this chintzy little watch for the time being (hardy har har) so I don’t lose track of time at work. Did I mention I’m in charge of the photo lab now?

I had my iPod with me and was jamming along to some new music that Chris Farmer turned me onto. I walked outside the blue doors¹ and into the pouring rain during a quick storm. Walking out to my car, I felt the need to dance along with the song I was listening to. I immediately thought about the people around who might be watching and thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I had a big open space where I could just dance without worrying about other people’s thoughts?”

On the way home, I mused that a solution wouldn’t be to have the big open space but rather a lack of worry about other people’s thoughts. I can be so concerned about what other people think of me it paralyzes me from doing what I want, less what I ought. I’ve grown a lot in this regard, but times like wanting to dance in a Target parking lot… that fear comes back.

After all, Rule #1 of the Dancing Book I’ve Yet to Publish (or Write) is: dancing requires that you do not care about how you look to anyone. I know I’m not the only person who struggles with this, and there are many people who don’t struggle with this in the same way I do. I just thought it’d be nice if I didn’t worry about looking stupid and would just be stupid. In fact, they’re probably not watching (or caring) anyway.

Another related thought: there are always going to be people I don’t know (and some I care deeply about) who are going to be against me anyway. I’m coming to see that. I don’t know what these people want from me, really. Some people will always hate me no matter what I do and will try to stomp on any real joy in my life.

Hmm. I hate leaving a thought in the middle of it, but I’m going to hit the sack for a Sunday afternoon nap. I don’t keep this updated enough to keep any readers, so here’s hoping I’ll update more. Haven’t I been saying that forever? Even this post is influenced by what people think of me. How ironic.

1. For the unitiated (which means most of you), Super Targets have two sides: green side (the side with groceries, health & beauty, pharmacy, etc.), and blue side (everything else normally found in a Target store) ↩